I’ve been depressed since I was 5 years old and diagnosed with depression by age 7, along with a bunch of other shit to go with it. By 11 therapists believe that my mind was a threat to my life and that medication was going to need to be added to the picture. I was excited. I remember thinking I was going to swallow a pill and feel happy. That would have been amazing. It did make me noticeably less emotional. Years later and about 7 different medications later, I am not so excited about medication. While in some ways I know it is a necessity in my life, in other ways I feel it has robbed me of a lot of things. I have a fear that the medicine has gotten me through life by protecting me with a sort of numbing effect and I do believe I needed it. I always liken it to a person putting on glasses and being able to function for the first time in their life. The medication allows me to function but not live. When I look back on the last 11 years there are gaps missing. There is fuzziness when I try to understand why I did certain things or loved certain people. I struggle with the desire to come off of medication because I have tried before and failed. Naturally when I’m on meds I feel like I can get by without them. When I am off of them I don’t think I can do anything I still have this urge in me to be able to “do it on my own” even though I know I really do have a chemical imbalance. Hmm just some thoughts. I know this post may be a little controversial to some of you but nothing is off limits.